How skincare was an act of defiance and my gateway to self-love
My skincare journey started in 2020, and back then, it had nothing to do with skincare or any desire to improve the health of my skin. No, when I started my skincare journey, it was all about my mental health.
As, by the existence of this blog, you probably know, I have struggled for a really long time with my mental unhealth, as well as two decades of abuse. Growing up, I was not only never taken care of but also never allowed to take care of myself, and unlearning that has been a constant struggle and complicated journey with many backsets.
So, in 2020, when I bought a very basic face wash at the grocery store, it had nothing to do with wanting to take care of my skin. No, it was all about allowing myself to do something small for myself.
Ever since I started fighting against the brainwashing of two decades of unrelenting abuse and manipulation, the act of taking care of myself has always been an act of self-love. And any form of self-love an act of defiance. It has been about showing myself love, giving myself the gentleness I have been denied most of my life, and proving that I am worthy of both those things, no matter what I was taught.
My three main motivations in life, the reasons behind all my actions, are the desire to be gentle and kind, to protect others, or simply spite. Giving myself love honestly started with spite. I was not a loved child or teenager, and I learned kindness from the negative spaces between the abuse and violence; I was taught I was unworthy of love and care. So, as someone with a stubbornness that rivals a Green Lantern and who practically breathes spite, that translated to me deciding I would love myself aggressively, purposefully and no matter what.
And so I bought a face wash. It wasn’t easy to get into the habit; I won’t pretend it was. But I tried. I kept it by the kitchen sink next to my toothbrush, and I focused on at least washing off my make-up at the end of the day.
Slowly, week by week, month by month, it got easier to remember to prioritise. When I moved to Germany for a while, a face wash was one of the first things I looked to buy. I hit a bad depressive episode after a few months of living there, and I could barely get out of bed. I moved back to Sweden.
When I got back, I picked up the habit again. I started to wash my face. Then, I bought the first face cream I found. After a few months, I discovered that Lyko had started a service where you could fill in an online form, and they would help you find the skincare that suits you. It took a few tries and many different products, and my skin gradually improved. I was hit with a hormonal skin issue, which complicated the matter. Still, eventually, I managed to find something that worked.
In 2022, I booked an appointment with a skincare therapist for a facial to celebrate that I’d gone two full years without being assaulted, the second year in a row, something I’d never before experienced since I was three years old.
After this, I switched skincare products again after the therapist examined my skin, and the brand she recommended was also cheaper. This is the brand I still use, and I couldn’t be happier.
In the late spring of 2023, I started adding a few different products I had found after extensive research, and my skin is now better than ever.
I often get comments on how good my skin looks, which makes me happy. It has been a long journey - three years - but not only is my skin glowing, but my self-maintenance, self-care, and self-love are at a point I could never have imagined reaching nor even knew existed. I am glad I have gotten this far and so, so proud of myself.
And to imagine that this all started as a silent ‘fuck you’ to everyone who told me I had no worth and no value, and a grocery store face wash roughly the same price as a frozen microwave dinner.
