The idea for this blog started, appropriately enough, in trauma therapy. I was talking to my psychotherapist Maggie about how I had spent all of my life enduring, enduring, surviving, waiting until I could get out of my situation or at least change it, how I spent all this time just holding on to an After; until I was finally finished enduring until I had Survived; Capital S, and past tense. And ultimately, how now, even as I was struggling to survive the horrible, complex, intense PTSD my past had left me with, I felt adrift, directionless and lost. All my life had been about surviving. This year, this day, this hour, this breath; just survive. And I did. And I had. And suddenly, there wasn’t a beating to survive, not in the same way as before.
Media talks about and shows abuse, traumatic events, horrible accidents and disasters. Plenty of stories where people are fighting to survive. But rarely does anyone cast a light on what happens after. What do you do when you have survived? What now?
As I finished the treatment for my PTSD after three, almost four years of weekly sessions, the question became more and more prominent in my mind. Especially as I realised that if the aftermath of the traumatic events are rarely talked about, the aftermath of treatment or healing is even less so. No one I told about my “graduation” from trauma therapy even knew PTSD could be cured. Most thought PTSD and being traumatised were different words for the same thing, and I can’t say I blame them.
Have you ever seen a movie or read a book where the survivor of a horrible event has healed from PTSD? Can you name a story where the trauma of the event isn’t ignored, but the character is allowed to leave it behind?
Can you tell me a story of a victim who survives and whose story doesn’t revolve around - or even involve - what they went through?
Media isn’t known for its accurate or inclusive representation, but how are you supposed to know what to do after survival if you never see or hear about what happens afterwards?
That’s what this blog is, in part: a documentation of my journey, my life and my musings as I try to figure out what to do now that I’ve finally made it out on the other side. Because I still wonder, still try to understand what happens now. What comes after survival?